REBLOG IF...

Reblog if you do or have actually cried because of your weight or the way you look.

I was reading Heeqmah's blog when I saw this. She's lucky she's never done that because as a kid, I could never find the strength in me to shun bullies away. And by bullies, I don't mean 10year olds calling me names. Even adults can be bullies, you know. They can be the biggest bullies in fact.

But like Heeqmah, my parents never gave me any trouble or worried about the way I look when I was all chubby and slightly deformed (I believe I was. Maybe still am.) It's actually pretty funny, no make that HILARIOUS, that I'm actually getting more shit from my mum about the way I look right now. But I shall not dwell on that because what else can you expect from an ex-pageant queen.

Looking back, kids didn't really gave me THAT much trouble for being overweight actually. It wasn't like I was being called fat or obese everyday. Maybe once in a while they'll start making rude comments. And when they do, boy did it hurt. Which is why I reblogged that. Because I remember crying myself to sleep, being so disgusted about the way I look. I hate all of my stomach rolls, love handles and ugly face. I was REALLY REALLY insecure but I didn't let anyone know. Because I like to believe that I'm strong.

But it didn't erase the fact that I desperately wanted to lose weight. I remember being my heaviest at 56kg (I was only 1.5m so that's pretty heavy) when I was 12. Everyone around me was so skinny and they all had tiny waists. That's when I decided that it was time for a change.

I think people assumed that I lost weight suddenly (unhealthily or whatever mental diseases they like to think I have). It was a gradual thing. I only lost 3kg in my first year but I did gain 5-6cm during the same period. I have to thank my period for that because I starting shedding weight easily after becoming fertile.

I was 50kg when I was 15. A little chubby. I still had to buy a size M for my green uniform but it didn't matter because I ended up discarding it. It was snug at the waist so I put on my size 40 uniform and I was drowning in them. It definitely gave people the illusion that I lost a lot more weight and that's kinda the purpose actually.

Suddenly when I turned 16, I was down to 45kg. People thought it wasn't normal but I didn't care. It wasn't like I was gonna break into two or something. I could still play tennis every week, PE twice a week, netball everyday. I was still okay.

I don't remember how it happened but throughout the two years in JC, I was so unhappy that I gained 3 kg. I know deep down, it wasn't an unhealthy weight gain or anything because I was so active in sports. I ran a total of 12km per week for tennis and PE, so I gotta be the at least fit. But I did started counting my calories, eating laxatives, and throwing up. It was pretty crazy actually. But I really didn't like being so close to 50kg because I remember how I was like when I was 50kg in 2007. Pretty ugly.

When I got my first office job, it got worse. I was stuck in front of a computer the whole day. There was NOTHING remotely physical I could do. I couldn't burn my calories anymore. So what I did was to have a 1000kcal-limit and it worked very well. I was friggin 40kg at one point. The last time I was forty was when I was 10! And to be that at 18, was an achievement in my eyes. I still continued with the laxatives and calorie-counting. No throwing up anymore for the next one year.

Now, I'm slightly over forty but am still very much unhappy with the way I am now. I don't think I'll ever find an end to this madness. I tried once. And then I got scared when I gained 2 effing kg and starting throwing up again. It's actually pretty scary if you think about it. There's no end. I don't think there is. But the crazy thing is that, I'm actually okay with it.

I went to some doctors and they said I am not severely underweight. I can still do things other people can. It's just that I'm more insecure about the way I am than some people. But I'd like to think that it's a girls' thing. To be insecure. I think it's pretty funny that I'm actually okay with having LSE and not okay with my body. I know it should be the other way round but I can't help it. As long as I'm not hurting anybody but myself, I'm good. That's just the way it is.